7 and a half months.  The longest foster care placement we have ever had.

Peanut was here for 3 months.
Banana was here for 4 months.
Coco was here for 4 months.
L was here for 2 weeks.
The Brothers were here for 6 months.
Sunflower was here for 5 months.
And Rosie has been here for 7 and a half months.

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We have never made it this far in the court process. We don’t know what will happen, what to expect.  We have 7 weeks left of waiting before a big court date.
Sometimes it feels like she has always been here. Like she was just meant to be in our family.
Then it hits me.  She isn’t mine.
She is a part of our family. She has been for 7 and a half months. But… she isn’t mine.
At any moment the phone could ring, and they could tell me to pack up her things. It is time for her to leave.
My life is so intertwined with her that at the mere thought of that, my heart begins to shatter. Because you see, the thing is… she is my daughter in my heart.

I picked her up, and put her in the car seat and brought her home from the hospital.
I helped her through the first few months of her life.  My heart broke as I saw her deal with things she should have never had to deal with.
I held her and calmed her as her shrill screams pierced the silent of the night.
I cried over her.
I prayed over her… a lot.
I took her to appointment after appointment.
I answered so many prodding questions.
I gave her medicine and got puked all over.
I feed her and change her diaper, bathe and clothe her.
I kiss her and cuddle with her and carry her and love her.

I am the only mother she knows.

Now that she is 7 and a half months, she is starting to get separation anxiety from me and the thought of her having to lose me is too much for me to bear.
She will never understand it if the powers that be separate us. She will just think her “mom” abandoned her.
You see right now I can protect her, I can comfort her and I can assure her she is loved. I can give her the love of a mother.  The undying I would do anything for her kind of love.
But if that time comes where someone says “it’s time for her to go”.  All I can do is let her go. Pray for her, hope she will be safe and grieve a deep and painful loss.
The longer we have her and the more people see her as part of our family, the more I get asked: “will you be able to adopt her?”
To be honest it is getting really wearisome to answer that question.  We don’t know and we can’t get attached to that idea.
All I know is right now.  Right now she is our everything.  The apple of my eye, daddy’s little princess and completely and utterly adored by her big sisters.
Right now.  But maybe not forever.
It is too hard to let my mind even go there.

So tonight, in the still and silence I will look down at her beautiful peaceful face with tears in my eye in the hopes of forever.
God knows her future.  God knows if we are meant to be a family forever. And I have no fear because I am not alone. God goes before us.  He never leaves us. God loves our little Rosie.
Even if she has to go, I trust in God’s plan for our family.
Want to know more about our journey with Rosie?
When she first came
Our Adoption Future  Finding Hope in the Adoption Process